


let me get a fresh breath;

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 1 mention of daisuga, Fights, Homophobia, M/M, Voicemail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 17:15:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5098790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's an exact feeling, the moment before you get rejected, before your best friend says <i>no way</i>, and starts leaving- it's the moment where your stomach bottoms out and the breath goes out of your lungs like you've been sucker punched in the throat.</p><p>Which probably isn't too far from how it feels when Iwa doesn't text Oikawa for the next 9 days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	let me get a fresh breath;

**Author's Note:**

> @evon thanks for doing the thing where u add commas and shit, but more importantly @myself, youre the real mvp u know? stayed up until 2am on a school night doing this i wish i was as strong as u when it comes to hw

He thinks, that this isn't exactly right. He's not supposed to feel- he's supposed to feel worse, not empty like how he does feel, but worse. Like when his sister moved out and the first day he saw her room bare, the way the air got knocked out of his lungs and tears he tried to keep in stung. He should feel like that.

Not, the way he felt like a phantom presence, roaming the halls of the house, not making a sound, feeling like he was nothing there without her background noise and yelling. He's not supposed to feel the same as then  _right now_.

He's close to crying, but he expected the reaction enough. It does sting, it doesn't hurt any less. But he expects it too. So he doesn't cry, he trembles only a little.

Just- it bothers him that there's no  _noise_ , he can't even hear the sound of his own breathing and that's when he realizes he's been holding his breath for about as long as his fingers have been clenched. They hurt.

 

He tries to breathe out.

-

When he gets back home, he still doesn't break down. It never really happens like that. It's not the overwhelming pressure that does it, that he learns to take, carry and leave. It's the way the silence suffocates him and makes him want  _something_ , anything else than this.

He's quiet because home never needed him to fill up any pauses or breaks, but right now. Right now, it feels like he should be screaming.

The house is empty, there's no one to fill in the silence, there's no one to tell him not to scream or ask him not to.

But he still doesn't.

He tries to breathe in, sit down not look at his phone. Ignore the way his lungs feel empty, his body feels empty, his _everything_ feels empty, just in the way he ignored the pull on his ankle for two weeks before it finally snapped.

 

He won't snap.

 

He wants something to do, he wants his mother to be home, to yell too loudly and tell him to wash the dishes, he wants his sister to call and demand about every detail in his life. He needs  _something_  to fill every empty space he feels right now.

He checks his phone, ignores the sting he feels when there's no messages, ignores the way it makes him want to break down and cry, ignores the way it reminds him of everything else he could be doing.

At some point, he gets out his homework. It stays like that, on the table in front of him, unopened; unfinished. And it's an all too blatant reminder of everything he's  _supposed to be doing_ ,  _supposed to be_  and everything he's  _ **not**_.

Homework, straight, a good student, not in love with his best friend, cleaning his room, crying.

He wants to punch something. Break his fist on a wall, feel his hands on someone's jaw, feel something stubborn and sturdy and  _stable_  against his fingers. He  _wants_.

He wants but everything is in his damn way his hands are bruised enough, he's a setter, there's nothing to hit.

It's just so _fucking **unfair**_. There's always something against him, something that he can't have and something that won't fucking give. His best friend's straight and homophobic and an asshole and Oikawa is still in love with him.

His best friend just rejected him and Oikawa is still being stupid and irrational and hoping, hoping, that this isn't going to last.

He kinda knows it won't because its fucking Iwaizumi Hajime and  they would do anything for each other.  _But it fucking **sucks**_. Oikawa's stupid and he wants it to be over.

But it's  _not_. No one's texting him because he's been checking his phone every thirty seconds hoping for a text to show up. It's not over, people don't just grow out of prejudices so quickly even for their best friend and everyone needs  _time_.

He fucking hates time still that's the only thing that changes when opens his phone  _again_.

It's stupid and Oikawa wants to  _kick the shit out of himself_  because he's stupid and he's opening the texting app and he's going to the conversation listed under the label of 'LOSER ALERT!!! DONT REPLY'

The last conversation they had was something about beef, and it was on Wednesday night, at 4am.

 

 **oikawaii♥** _to_ **iwaizuMEME**

4:43 am

ok what if the beef didnt think it could do it anymore

 

 **iwaizuMEME** _to_ **oikawaii♥**

4:47 am

go to sleep

4:48 am

is this evn abt beef anymore?m

**oikawaii **♥** ** _to_ **iwaizumeme**

4:51 am

 Maybe

4:53 am

I dunno. Just like, wouldn't' it be suffocating hiding something like that for such a long time

**iwaizuMEME** _to_ **oikawaii♥**

4:54 am

you mean how the beef doesn't want to be made into stew because its sizzling ?

 

 **iwaizuMEME** _to_ **oikawaii♥**

4:59 am

go to sleep please. i cant talk beef metaphors at 5am Tooru

 

Now seems like a really good time to reply, say "youre a huge asshole I hope you never get married and have hot babies" but the thing about _fights_ \- is that he can't just do that unless Iwa was being an asshole but he's a male high schooler, homophobia is customary.

There's a voice in the back of Oikawa's head saying _you're just overreacting, he probably just needs more time_ but the thing is

             he doesn't deserve it. Iwa shouldn't get more time to get over Oikawa being gay because he shouldn't even be homophobic in the first place. It's not right and Oikawa hadn't even _known_ until the exact moment he'd said _no way_ , like Oikawa liking a guy- _liking him_ \- was impossible.

Still, the concept of time- people needing space to think on their own, time to process things- isn't wrong.

But.

It doesn't stop him from staying up and looking at his phone, worrying and thinking, and blinking back tears every time his chest feels a little too tight because the thought of Iwa no longer being in his life _hurts_.

It's this one person who's actually put up with all of Oikawa's shit and gets him like no one else does and no one else tries to. It breaks him a little, every time he thinks of the rejection- the half flinch, how he walked away without saying a word. It hurts because the thought of the only unconditional person in his life- he doesn't care because he's family or Oikawa's a responsibility, he cares because he does- not accepting him, _**sucks**_.

It's a suckerpuch through the throat and Oikawa feels like he's twelve again, hiding behind a wall, listening to his mom and dad fight while his sister holds his hand too tight. There's that part of an old wound that still peeks through, from the day his dad said he was leaving and Oikawa saw the divorce papers on the table.

It's a memory he can't get rid of and this is making it sting like the way his dad's Facebook updates with his new son and new daughter do, cause what if he's still not good enough, still not worth it, still not _wanted_.

He shouldn't check that damn profile anyways, the same way he shouldn't be reading through old conversations and waiting for a text. It's not helping.

It sucks even more than it should because he knows he's not going to get a text the same way he's known for years now, that his dad won't wake up one day and realize that his old, first, family was better and that he should've _stayed_.

It's never stopped him from wanting, however.

 

-

 

He spends the entire weekend on the chair, on his bed, on the floor, waiting.

It's not worth it, because he spends hours staring at his phone, not sleeping even though he told his mom hours ago he was going to bed. _Waiting_ is not worth it because all he gets in the end, are more dark circles and less than three hours of sleep.

Still, because he's stupid. Because it's Iwaizumi. Because he's a dumbass. He still spends the entire weekend waiting, not doing homework or practicing because he's too busy staring at the empty notification bar, half wanting an message icon to pop up.

 

-

 

On Monday, he's still waiting- it's 8:15 on the dot and it was kind of stupid to hope that it would happen, and they'd be back to normal by now but.

He's almost late to his first class, and when he does slide into his seat. Just as the bell rings. The air between them is so thick Oikawa can't really look at Iwa at all.

He kind-of regrets that conversation, the one about beef, because Iwa told him, the day after, that the beef should probably say it wants to be sizzling before it becomes stew.

He stays quiet for the first half of period one (not exactly rare but also kind of an accomplishment), waiting for Iwa to say something. But he doesn't.

Oikawa starts talking anyways. He is not good with silence, home was never quiet, and he knows how to fill in the spaces here.

Iwa doesn't reply to any of it, not the _history test last week, shouldn't we have gotten it back by now? I mean it wasn't that long and it's not like any of it is open for interpretation_

or _ooh~ jinah's new boyfriend, I think he asked her out last week? Why'd she say yes though, he seems so sleazy? Like I heard he tried to feel up a girl in class 3b, which like super gross you know?_

the worst part is he doesn't even look annoyed when Oikawa brings up Makki and Mattsun's group chat war, _it was so annoying my phone kept vibrating and like did they really have to bring it back at three am it was worse than my alarm I do not need any more close ups of mattsun's face in my life_

It's the little frown and the way Iwa looks over to the window, that pisses Oikawa off most, that makes him say it,

"Hey, did you hear the rumour about Karasuno's vice captain- Suga? I think- being gay? Apparently he confessed to the captain."

When Iwaizumi glares at him, Oikawa continues out of spite.

"What? Get over yourself it's not like there's anything wrong with being gay."

Iwa sighs aggressively, and Oikawa's known for (more than) ten years it means shut up.

He doesn't. There's anger he hasn't felt in a long time waking up, and it's what makes him continue. "Look, you can shut up ok? You have the same mentality as that manga writer who thinks girls are only meant for the male gaze or some shit. Grow the fuck up."

Rather than Iwaizumi being very moved and promising to never again be homophobic, Tooru gets called up to _share your conversation with the whole class please Oikawa-kun_.

 

Iwa doesn't bother hiding his half smile when he ends up swearing in front of (at) their teacher. It only makes Oikawa want to punch him more.

He gets detention for the week for talking about _inappropriate subject matter and crude language_ and he's not sure if anyone manages to read the disappointment in his shoulders when no one else gets one by the end of the period.

 

-

 

It's horrible and annoying. Mattsun and Makki don't shut up for the entirety of practice about how _the golden pair aren't talking to each other? What will happen to the team?_

Oikawa tells them to shut up. Many times. Iwa actually inflicts bodily harm on them at some point, which is probably _why_ they do so.

Even the first years are acting antsy, it's bad enough that Watari keeps looking between him and Iwa, but when Kindaichi looks like he's about to cry because Oikawa assigned them suicides and Iwaizumi didn't even look at him- it makes Oikawa kind of want to cry too.

He's been wanting to cry a lot lately.

He misses practice for the rest of the week. Detention is boring and if he brought up VBC, he'd probably be let off the hook. But he doesn't.

Yahaba actually comes up to him in the hallways and asks him if he has _any sort of injury or if it's because of-?_ Oikawa tells him to shut up. Then apologizes and tells him to captain for a week.

Or two.

Makki hangs around during lunch and walks him home, talking about everything but _that_ and just when Oikawa's almost at his driveway, he says shit about how this is the most serious fight they've had.

Oikawa tells him to shut up. He doesn't apologize and he hates the flinch on Makki's face when he says it, because he thought they were better friends than that too. He's doesn't take it back though.

On Wednesday, Iwa mutters a "sorry" during Literature class.

Oikawa tells him to go suck a dick.

 

This week has not been any of his best moments.

 

-

 

On Friday, he's sitting in his room with the lights off and nothing to do.

And if he had accepted Iwa's apology then maybe they wouldn't be fighting anymore and Oikawa wouldn't be alone on a Friday night with nothing to do.

But he didn't want to. Hadn't and still doesn't want to, because it was a half-assed attempt and Oikawa's a romantic who prefers it when people actually mean what they say.

Iwa hadn't- like yeah, he was sorry, but he wasn't sorry about being homophobic, he wasn't going to stop being homophobic and grossed out and just being Not Ok with It. He wasn't sorry the way Oikawa wanted him to be.

It sucked. Sucks.

Everything sucks and he's more tired than alive and he wants to sleep but he's still holding out for the chance that Iwa might text him.

It's four am, a Friday night and it's been two weeks (eleven days; he kept count) and Iwa still hasn't texted Oikawa about anything.

It is out of pure tiredness, not desperation, that he calls up Iwa and waits for it to go to voicemail before saying.

"I think you're an asshole."

It's five minutes later when Oikawa's phone rings, and he lets it- some version of the x-files theme, plays for a while before Iwa's message starts.

"Fuck it Oikawa, I'm trying.'

He waits for a minute, trying to get over another wave of wanting to cry, and takes a breath.

The he hits the call back button and waits. When it asks for him to leave a message, he's pretty sure he doesn't sound like he's close to crying.

"Try harder." a pause, then slightly quieter. "When did I become Oikawa, asshole."

His phone starts to play x-files theme play again, and Oikawa hits the mute call button and waits.

"Fuck you dumbass it's not easy." a tch noise, half a pause. "I don't know."

His voice is rough around the edges, and his voice sounds the same as when they've been practicing for too long and  he still can't hit a serve well. Oikawa hits redial again, waits until the beep, then.

"What you think calling me by my first name will make you gay? Grow up and out of your outdated beliefs already."

He hits the end call button a minute later when his phone starts ringing again.

"Fine. Tooru. I'm sorry ok?"

Two minutes, Oikawa plays it over a couple times then calls back

"How sorry?" Hits end call.

His phone buzzes and he hits play message.

"Sorry that I made my best friend feel like and invalidated his feelings and sexuality."

Oikawa hits redial as soon as it ends.

"You sound like you're reading it out of a book or something. Try harder." End call.

The x-file theme plays again, it's been ten minutes and Oikawa lets it go to voicemail.

"I'm sorry I was an asshole and I rejected you like that and ignored you and your feelings and shit and I'm sorry I didn't take a detention along with you that day in history and I'm sorry I made you skip practice and I'm sorry I wasn't able to be your best friend when you needed one."

He listens to that message over and over for a long time then when it's been entirely too long and Iwaizumi is really fucking scared he screwed up. He gets another voicemail.

 

(oikawa sounding vaguely like he's been crying) "Just for the record, I'm not crying. Also you can text me now."

 

-

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> aha, ok two things
> 
> there's a few deleted scenes from this, hmu if u want them posted i guess?
> 
> and two, i apologize for the slight(?) bisexual erasure
> 
> mhmm, like when i think of oikawa it doesn't really seem to me that he was interested in the girl he was dating like that? idk his reaction didnt really make it seem like he was all that invested in their relationship? anyways you can hc what you want for this tbh, but if it helps iwa's bi in this


End file.
